Practice Makes Perfect: How to help parents manage difficult behaviors
by Ron Huxley
This is something my mother used to tell me over and over again, when I was a
child. At that time, I hated it. But now, as a parent myself, I find it be full
of wisdom and instruction on how to raise a family. Here are some parenting
tools that will help you use the power of practice in forming strong habits for
children, disciplining through overcorrection, and using rituals to build family
strength.
Habits are a parenting tool that parents can use to teach children positive
behaviors. Children and parents are creatures of habit. Everything they do is a
habit or becomes one, if repeated. In
addition, how parents and children interact together, positively or negatively,
is a habit. All of these habits are fashioned out of the repetition of common,
daily routines. For example, what a person
eats, when they eat, and how they eat, is all based on daily repetition. This is
why certain behaviors seem so difficult to break or change. The good news, for
parents, is that if a behavior has been learned it can be unlearned. New habits
can be learned that will replace old ones and create more appropriate ways of
interacting in parent and child.
For example, parents and child habitually engage in the same arguments around
the doing (or not doing) of chores. When parents state: "How many times have I
told you to do your chores" to a child, they are engaging in a dysfunctional
game with no winners. The parent's ends up feeling angry and children dig in and
resist the parent's commands. Or they ignore you as they have heard that
statement a gazillion times, as well. This game has become a habit takes a life
of its own, making change and completed chores difficult.
Create new habits by introducing new behaviors, repeated over time. It will fail
at first due to the strength of the prior habits. But, with persistence, it will
weaken under the new, more positive habits. Using the example above, a new habit
might include setting up a chore chart, reinforcing children for doing chores
without reminders, and ignoring lack of compliance (i.e., the habit of refusing
to cooperate). Each day the parent reinforces any and all effort to do chores.
Pay attention to those subtle, negative reinforcers like yelling, nagging, or
pleading. If the parents must engage in these activities, to get the job done,
then no rewards are given. The child will soon adapt to the new system of
rewards and form a new habit that is satisfying to both parent and child. The
same procedure can be used for improving study skills, displaying desirable
social skills, or any other behavior than can be defined in habitual terms. So,
if you catch yourself saying, "How many times have I told you..." you are
probably in the middle of a bad habit.
Overcorrection is a parenting tool that requires a child to eliminate an
inappropriate behavior and practice its opposite, more appropriate behavior by
repeatedly performing that task. A child who writes on the wall with crayons is
required to not only clean their mess but all the walls in their room. Children
who slam the door practice closing the door correctly, ten times. Running
through the house requires walking slowly through the house until performed to a
parent's satisfaction.
While many parents will find this "abusive" most often it only has to be done
once. The idea of repeatedly opening and closing a door ten times is enough to
prevent most children from slamming it again. Another to look at this tool is to
describe it as positive practice. A child practices a behavior in a positive
manner until learned. The boredom factor only increases the likelihood that the
inappropriate behavior doesn't occur.
There are other applications for this parenting tool: Parents can use it
increase social skills. Children who will not share can be asked to repeat two
or three trials of practice sharing where one child asks for a toy and the other
child responds appropriately. It can also be used for homework problems, such as
misspelled words and incorrect arithmetic problems. Writing a problem or word
over and over again increases retention and improves learning. Parents can use
it with aggressive displays, such as door slamming or property destruction.
Performing a task correctly and calmly reinforces house rules and emotional
control. Regardless of the application, overcorrection is an efficient tool for
decreasing unwanted behaviors.
Rituals are parenting tools that allow nontraditional and traditional families
to form collective identities, facilitate healing, celebrate life changes, and
pass on expressions of beliefs. Rituals include daily activities, such as,
getting ready for bed, eating at the table, and watching a television program.
They can also be much more elaborate and symbolic, such as, weddings, funerals,
bar mitzvah's, graduations, and religious ceremonies. Regardless of their form,
rituals are an important aspect of our social lives. Parents can utilize this
hidden resource to develop more intimate families. Family therapists have used
the concept of rituals to help families
that have been hurt by past actions toward one another or by an unexpected
traumatic situation. Wedding vows have been restated by stepfamilies and have
included all members of the family, including the children. Letters of anger and
sadness have been written to unknown mothers and fathers and then ceremonially
burned or destroyed as an act of saying goodbye. Marriage bands have been melted
down or thrown into the middle of lakes to break emotional ties and symbolize
the need for an emotional divorce, even after, families have already been
physically divorced. Again, how one performs these valuable tools is not as
important as finding a way to signify a gain, loss, or both in the lives of
families.
Practicing a task is how we learn. The job of parenting, stated simply, is to
teach and guide our children on how to become responsible, productive adults. We
have approximately two decades to
practice this. These tools will help parents perform their roles as educators of
life and allow children to learn how to live it.
Ron Huxley is the founder of the ParentingToolbox and AngerToolbox websites,
author, speaker, and father of four! Get more power parenting tools at
http://parentingtoolbox.com
10 Super
Tips Every Dad Should Know to be a Successful Father
By Michael Farrell
www.Fatherville.com
Fathers, you have a special place in your children's lives. Children whose
fathers take an active part in their daily lives tend to be well adjusted and
better equipped for success. It's not easy being a father, but don't think that
you aren't as important as the mother. Your roles may not always be the same,
but your interest in your children can make a SIGNIFICANT difference. Be proud
of your responsibilities and your efforts. Children don't need perfect
fathers; they need caring and involved fathers. With that in mind here are some
"Must Know" tips that every dad should practice to be a successful father.
TIP #1. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN EVERY DAY
Spend time with your children each and every day. Even when you are out of town
on a business trip you need to pick up the phone and talk to them. When you talk
to your children try not to ask them questions
that are answered with "Yes" and "No". Instead, try asking them questions that
require detailed answers. For example: What did you learn in school today?
What games did you play at recess? What is your favorite television show? Why?
When you think about college what subjects really interest you? I pray with my
children every night before they go to sleep at night. In my prayers I verbally
encourage them as I pray by letting them know how much I love them and what
characteristics I treasure in each of them. Whether it's in the morning, before
you head to work, or in the evening after your workday is over you must spend
time with them. Doing something that they want to do is a great way of letting
them know you care about what's important to them. That might even mean learning
what Pokemon is all about and how to play the game. Hint: It's a complicated
version of "Rock, Paper, and Scissors."
TIP #2. LEARN TO VALUE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILD
Your child is unique. If you have more than one child you understand how
different each one of them is from the other. As they grow older they begin to
develop different interest in the world around them. As fathers we sometimes get
so distracted by our own world that we overlook the detailed world of our
children. Only recently have I learned how to play "dolls" with my 3-year-old
daughter. But it is so very important to her. When she wants to play dolls with
me it is a fantastic opportunity for me, her father, to learn a lot about what
is important to her. Playing dolls requires my getting down on the floor with
her and experiencing the entire world from here
perspective. Nothing says I care and love you more than when you participate in
the seemingly trivial world of your children. We fathers have forgotten what
being a child was like and consequently we forgotten what's important to our
children. I challenge you right now to make a list of 3 things you can do with
your child(ren) that
they enjoy doing. If playing remote control cars is important to your son or
daughter ask if you can join with them. If playing a computer or video game is
important to your son or daughter learn the game and ask to join them next time
they play. Ask them to teach you some of the rules of the game. And remember
just because you may be better doesn't mean you always have to win.
TIP #3. COMMUNICATE WITH CARE
Sometimes we fathers get too caught up in our own busy lives. We don't pay
enough attention to our kids when we talk to them. Doesn't it bother you when
you are talking to your kids and they are staring at the television or playing
with their video game? Wouldn't it make you feel like you mattered if they gave
you their full attention?
Next time you engage your children in a conversation try looking directly at
your children when they respond back to you. Let them know that what they
have to say is important. This is a very tough practice to achieve because we
men, generally speaking, get very focused on what we are doing. If possible try
doing this every day
for a week.
You will be able to gain your children's trust by listening to them when they
come to you with a problem and your children will welcome your guidance. But,
don't confuse communicating with care with lecturing. Lecturing has its
place but your kids will not see it for honest, open communication. You must be
honest with your children;
admit your mistakes and teach your children the importance of taking
responsibility and making amends. When they see you acting on your own advice it
will be so much easier for them to adhere to your wishes.
TIP #4. TELL YOUR KIDS YOUR STORY
Tell your story. Your history, and that of your parents and your own family, can
be interesting to your child. A young child often feels the world began at
his/her birth. By reflecting on your past, you provide your child with the
intriguing sense of history and of past generations. You need not tell all the
details of your history, but
only those which leave your child with the feeling that you too were once a
child and you grew up and became an involved father. All of your life
experiences are only useful if your kids know that you are being open and honest
with them. If they know you've been open and honest with them they will be able
to come to you with questions
about their own lives. But, if they feel they can't come to you with their
problems they may receive inappropriate answers from other people. Make your
life an open book.
TIP #5. EDUCATE YOUR KIDS THROUGH INVOLVEMENT
Remember that you are your children's role model. Your kids are looking to you
to learn how a responsible and mature adult acts. Do chores around the house
with your children, make them feel good about helping you and teach them that
men also share household duties. Encourage your children to think for
themselves. Guide and help them with their decision making process and then
stand back and watch them do it themselves. Do all of this while they are young
and you can still make an impression on their minds. Don't wait until they get
older. Each day is a new opportunity to teach your child. Don't let time rob you
of the moment and don't let someone else steal that privilege from you.
TIP #6. PUT PARENTING FIRST AND USE YOUR TIME WISELY
As a father you must put your responsibility to your kids first. That means
nothing else is more important than being daddy. Not your job. Not your hobbies.
Not watching sports on television. Your kids are first and foremost. This is
hard to do in a world with so many competing demands and attractions. To be a
great father you must consciously plan and devote time to being with your
children making it your top priority.
In order to make your children your priority you will need to review how you
spend the hours and days of your week. Think about the amount of time your
children spend with you. Plan how you can weave your children into your social
life and knit yourself into their lives. Instead of leaving them at home take
them with you to the
supermarket. Observe how they interact with you in different settings. Most
fathers rarely experience the full potential range of emotions with their
children because they seldom see them anywhere but at home or at an athletic
event. Both of these are great places to interact with you children but your
children are so much more
complex.
TIP #7. REDUCE ANGER BY UNDERSTANDING YOUR OWN TRIGGER POINTS
Anger. It's very real. It's very normal. Everyone experiences it. But what
causes you to feel angry? As a father if you are able to identify those things
that your children do that make you angry you will be more readily equipped to
extinguish the flames before you ignite. Do you know what I mean? I know for
example that one of my
trigger points is when I feel out of control. There are a number of things that
I could do to prevent the chaos but none of them really solve the problem. The
real problem is not, for example, the fact that the kids are dumping toys on the
floor and making a mess. The real problem is my expectation of the situation. I
want the kids to
act like little angels. But, how realistic is that from a 2 and 3 year old? I
feel out of control and frustrated. Frustration turns to anger and anger to hurt
feelings.
However, you can find ways to express your anger that doesn't hurt, belittle, or
insult your children. Anger in its destructive form can make a child's
misbehavior worse. If you control your reaction to something your child does,
the behavior will stop sooner, won't last as long, or be as severe.
Both you and your child will feel better
about how you handled the situation. This does not mean that you shouldn't get
angry when your child misbehaves. Children need to understand that their
behavior upsets you. Most importantly, they need to understand why you are
upset. For example, if your child lost a pair of scissors, you need to say, "I'm
upset because I need those scissors for my sewing project," rather than name
calling. All children will misbehave and anger is inevitable. If you are having
trouble handling your anger, here are a series of techniques to help
you keep calm and plan your reaction to their behavior.
. Calm yourself. Count to ten very slowly. Concentrate on the
counting, regardless of what your child is doing.
. Put your hands in your pockets to help you resist the urge to use them to
threaten or hit your child.
. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Pretend you are
releasing steam from your body.
. Get away from the situation. Go into another room or take a
walk.
This gives both you and your child some time to cool off.
. Talk with your partner, a close friend, or a relative. Talking
it
through will help you develop creative ideas for dealing with the
situation.
. Take time to think about how you're reacting to the
situation. Why
are you angry with your child? Is the child misbehaving because he
wants attention, is angry himself, feels discouraged, frustrated, or
does not have his needs met?
TIP #8. NEW FATHERS TAKE TIME OFF FOR YOUR NEW BABY
If you are a first time or new father you should plan on taking time off from
work before your new baby arrives. If possible, take paternity leave. Most new
fathers have access to some form of leave, but only a small percentage actually
takes advantage of it. Your baby will only be a newborn for a month. Nearly
anything can be put on hold for a couple of weeks. If the blessed event has
already occurred and you haven't already done so plan to take a week off from
work
to
spend with your newborn child. The best advice for new dads is to get your hands
on your baby as soon as, and as often as, possible. Through the process of
directly caring for your infant you will learn what your baby needs, how he or
she communicates, and what comforting techniques work best. Don't (I repeat) Do
not leave this
responsibility to the child's mother. You are a dad now.
Try to spend time alone with your baby. Create opportunities where you are the
sole care giver. Invite your wife to spend time doing something with her friends
or simply offer her some time alone. This will allow you and baby to get to know
each other. It will also help you learn the "language" your baby uses to
communicate his or
her basic needs. Giving your child expressed breast milk or canned formula
provides you with the opportunity to feed and nurture your baby. The bond you
are developing with your child through your interactions, touch, and care giving
is the foundation upon which your father-child relationship will be built. The
time you spend with
your baby now, will make you a more effective parent in the future.
TIP #9. LEARN TO HUG, KISS AND TOUCH YOUR CHILDREN
I know, I know for some of us dads this will be like pulling teeth. But as their
father if you want to communicate love and acceptance to your kids so that they
will know they are loved then you've got to be willing to pull them close and
hug them. If you were never touched (in an appropriate, compassionate way) by
your own father it may be difficult for you to touch your own children. It gets
even more difficult when, for example, our young daughters become adolescents.
So, the best time to lay groundwork for good touch is from our child's birth all
the way through her childhood. We fathers should change diapers and clothes,
burp, rock and tickle our babies and young children - there are thousands of
opportunities (even in the most mundane tasks) to lovingly touch our children.
As your children grows these activities can be as simple as starting a pillow
fight; grooming the dog or building something together; lying side by side in a
hammock to look at the stars; or taking dad-and-daughter dance lessons.
Our kids need our fatherly affection, no matter what their ages. Good touch is
physical affection that:
. comforts them
. affirms them as a person
. supports them
. respects and is sensitive to their person and their boundaries
. is given with their permission
. is given freely, with nothing expected in exchange
. helps them feel strong, lovable and able to delight in
themselves and...
. is not sexual.
TIP #10. FATHERHOOD IS NOT ABOUT YOU
I know this one is hard to hear. But it's true. It's time for you as a father to
get over yourself: life no longer revolves around you and your needs. I've
"discovered" that being a father is not about my getting my needs met. Being a
father is all about my kids and meeting their needs. This doesn't mean catering
to their every whim. But
in the course of everyday events your children's needs should come before your
own. Sure, you need to take time for yourself. Every father needs time to
recharge his batteries. But, the sooner we, as fathers, learn to put aside our
own needs the sooner we will begin to establish the kind of relationship our
children long to have from us. What does that mean? It doesn't matter whether
you are a first time father, divorced father, stepfather, or a stay at home
father. I know that every parenting situation brings with it a unique set of
circumstances but in the end fatherhood means less of you and more of
them. But the rewards, oh the rewards can last a lifetime. Learn to enjoy and
spend time with your children. You'll only have them for a short time. So come
on Dad, enjoy your fatherhood.
================================================================
Mike Farrell and his wife Dawn have been married for 11 years. They have three
children: 2 boys and 1 girl: Jonathan (8), Meg (4) and Luke (3). A graduate from
Boise State University in 1991, Mike has a
B.A. in English. A native of Idaho, Mike works as a professional in Information
Technology. But his real passion is with his family. Mike is the owner, operator
and Senior Editor at:
http://Fatherville.com
If you like this article please tell another father:
http://www.fatherville.com/recommend_fatherville.shtml
How to Stay Calm
by Susie Cortright
My beloved car had just blown its engine, pregnancy was making me crazy, and we
had no money in our pockets (or anywhere else). When I slammed our front
door, I knocked the only plant I had managed to keep alive all season off the
windowsill. Just as the pottery hit the floor and cracked, so did I. I lay face
down in black potting soil and pottery shards and let my Labrador lick the tears
off my dirty face.
That was just before the birth of our first child. Since then, there have been
countless times when I've wanted to curl up on the carpet and scream, but the
ever-watching kids have made that a luxury I can no longer afford.
It's more difficult now, too. One of the biggest surprises of parenthood is the
absolute anger we
can feel in no time - and with very little provocation. Start with a
sleep-deprived parent, throw in a troubled teenager, a whining child, or a
colicky newborn, and even the coolest cats can lose their minds.
Releasing our anger in the wrong ways can lead to emotional and physical scars
on our kids. When infants are shaken, even for one heated moment, they can die.
And it takes only
a moment to harm their little souls.
As they watch us, these young ones are paying particular attention to the way we
handle difficult situations. And what we model for them will, in large part,
determine their success at controlling their own tempers as they grow up.
So, even in the face of total exasperation, we must stay calm. For a long time,
the advice has been to simply go away for a moment and count to ten, but, as all
parents know, sometimes that's not so easy. A small child may be frightened when
mommy or daddy leaves to take a time-out. Sometimes counting to ten just doesn't
do it, and there's no time to count to 100.
So here are a few more tips, compiled just for parents, to help you deal with
anger and stay calm with your kids.
PREVENTATIVE MEASURES
The best time to work on staying cool is before you're hot.
*Declare a zero-tolerance policy on the out-of-control temper.* You must
decide, for yourself, that behaving this way is simply not okay. Remind yourself
that it is possible to manage your emotions. Think back to times when you were
successful at controlling your anger. Perhaps you bit your tongue rather than
hollering at the boss. Or you were just about to let it fly at your husband when
your in-laws called and suddenly you couldn't believe the sweetness of your own
voice. We all
have the power to suddenly change our mood.
*Be prepared.* Lots of things can go wrong each day; be ready for them. For
example, if you've got babies, pack a bag with at least one extra shirt for
everyone, a complete outfit for each toddler, and several for the infants. Stow
them in the back of the car with extra diapers and plenty of baby wipes.
*Is there anything specific that triggers your anger?* Keep a journal for
those times when you feel like you're ready to fly off the handle. Do you notice
any patterns--time of day, hunger level, lack of exercise, a full calendar? Even
noise from a TV or radio can contribute to a feeling of over-stimulation, which
can set off an emotional explosion. Create a nurturing environment for yourself.
*Take care of yourself.* We're more likely to react to a situation - rather than
to simply act - when we haven't gotten enough sleep or we haven't been eating
right. Start your day with a light
breakfast that includes carbohydrates and protein. Then continue to eat for
energy throughout the day. More Energy for Moms
(http://www.momscape.com/energy
) features information on how to control your moods with food.
*Daily exercise* provides a physical release to help you control anxiety and
aggression throughout the day. A half-hour of kickboxing can release tension you
didn't even know you had.
*A regular routine of prayer and meditation* can calm a chaotic mind. Sit
quietly for at least 15 minutes a day. Practice a few yoga stretches when things
get tense.
*Decide how you'll deal with certain situations before they arise.*What makes
you want to blow your top? Whether it's toddler temper tantrums or the
preschooler's occasional whine, determine how you will handle those things
beforehand - while you're calm.
*Understand your child.* Read up on child development and put yourself in their
shoes. Ask yourself: "What's it like to be two and not have the skills to
express what you want?" "What's
it like for a newborn who finds herself with a gut-wrenching bellyful of gas and
doesn't understand why it hurts?" Kids act the way they do for a reason. Often,
there's a developmental milestone associated with a child's behavior.
Understanding the reasons behind our kids' actions can go a long way in helping
us develop a sense of empathy, compassion and, ultimately,
tolerance.
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
*Take a few deep breaths.* Diaphragmatic breathing helps reduce stress. This
will also give you a time-out, long enough to make a rational assessment of the
situation and to help you regain a
sense of control.
*Visualize* yourself as the cool, calm, person you strive to be. Whom do
you know who embodies these traits? Imagine this person's reaction to the
situation.
*Stop. Think. Then speak.* Remind yourself of the importance of keeping yourself
under control. If you feel anger building inside, don't pick up a baby. Ask for
help or wait until you are calm.
*Consciously lower your voice.* Yelling will only make a child angry and
defensive, and it can scare a young child. A soft tone says you're in control.
*Don't catastrophize.* Resist the temptation to blow something out of
proportion. Avoid using the words "always" and "never" when you talk to yourself
and others.
*Distract yourself.* Is there any way you can laugh about the situation? Ask
yourself: what is the real significance of the situation that triggered my rage?
It's more important to model a healthy approach to stress than it is to win
certain battles. Choose those battles carefully.
Afterwards, reinforce your love for the child and retreat to assess the way you
handled the situation. What did you do right? What will you do differently next
time?
Copyright 2003 Susie Cortright
Susie Michelle Cortright is the author of several books for women and founder of
the award-winning
www.Momscape.com , a website designed to help
busy women find balance. Visit
http://www.momscape.com
today and get Susie's *free* course-by-email "6 Days to Less Stress."
13 Ways to Spend Time
With Your Teenage Daughter
The older my daughter gets the more it's sinking in that I don't have much time
left to spend with her! She's turning 16 in a couple of months, and I know
I won't be seeing her much after she gets her driver's license.
It's hard to find things to do with your teenage daughter. You might be
busy, they might have better things to do...I encourage you not to let this time
slip away from you. Our interests may be very different from theirs, but
there's always things you can do to bridge the gap.
If you have more than one daughter, then make sure they each get their special
time alone with you. I have found that these activities are also great for
bonding with teens you want to reach out to and build relationships with, like a
step-daughter.
I've done all of the following activities with my daughter and/or step-daughter
and haven't regretted a moment. Someday I will be able to look back and
appreciate the moments we shared, and I
hope they will too.
1. Take your dog(s) on a walk together.
2. Cook dinner together, letting her choose the menu and help shop for the
ingredients.
3. Pick her up from school and take her out to lunch, even if she misses
part of a class.
4. Drive to the closest big city for the night, stay in a hotel, and spend
all the next day shopping and sightseeing, taking time to stop for lunch at an
outdoor cafe.
5. Read the same book together and talk about it when you're done reading
it.
6. Do a scriptural book study together.
7. Get up early on a Saturday morning, go get coffee, and spend the
morning going to yard sales or looking through thrift shops or dollar stores.
8. Make cookies together to give to a friend.
9. Make holiday gifts together to give to friends and family. Visit
http://www.crafty-moms.com for easy craft ideas.
10. Go with your daughter to the concert of her choice.
11. Buy her the materials to start a high school scrapbook. Work on
your scrapbooks while she works on hers.
12. Join a local fitness club and work out together. My daughter and
I joined a local women's gym that is very inexpensive ($40/month for both of
us). We get up at 5:00 a.m. three days a week to go exercise before she
goes to school and I go to work.
13. Go to the local video store and rent a couple of "chick flicks" to
enjoy together in the comfort of your home. Kick the men out of the house
and lounge around in your pajamas.
Copyright 2003. Rachel Paxton is a freelance writer, mom, and owner of
four home and family web sites. For scrapbooking, card making, gift-giving
ideas, and more family memory-making
activities, visit
http://www.crafty-moms.com.
Terrified Teenagers
I sit outside and view the activities with an adult eye. These
teenagers may look harsh, rough and ready, but on the inside they are
all scared and insecure. The little girl with the thick glasses
adjusts her bangs, hoping to hide behind her hair. The football
player jokes to hide his insecurities from having to ride the bus.
Who knows what all bothers them deep down on the inside. What I see
is that each of them, even the most confidant, are petrified on the
first day of school.
It is amazing to stand back and watch this transformation into
adulthood. If only I could have seen it from this point of view
years ago. But what fun would it have been to have all the answers
then.
Instead of brushing it off, I have this overwhelming urge to run up
to them all and say "It is ok, you will do fine". Grab them and give
them a huge hug. Drag them back to my quarters and shelter them
inside my save haven, my home. But I know that I can't. I know that
they must learn these lessons on their own. Heartache and pain are
all part of becoming an adult. The inevitable must happen.
Teenagers can not be sheltered from what is bound to happen.
No matter how terrible the heartache of first love is, maybe it will
prepare them for a mature relationship. No matter how terrible the
heartache of failing a project that they worked extra hard on, maybe
it will prepare them for an adult job. We will never know what lies
ahead. Simply knowing that they\se little life lessons are just a
steeping stone into the great big world is enough. As parents all we
can really do is steer our children into the right direction. Hope
that when they do fail we can be there to catch them or at the very
least brush off the dust and help them find their way again. Because
as my 13 year old son says "It sucks".
Roxanna Ward lives in Georgia with her husband, Stan and her three
children, Kirstie-Raie, Chase and Kale. As a published freelance
writer and breastfeeding advocate, the focus of her writing is
concentrated on sharing household tips, her experience with her
frugal lifestyle which is compensated by being able to afford to be a
stay-at-home mom, as well as the phenomenal process of breastfeeding,
child rearing related issues and romantic relationships. Roxanna can
be contacted at
RoxannaWard@comcast.net
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING, PERMISSIVE PARENTING, OR LOVING
PARENTING
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who
kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her
feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy
and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came
home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she
was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms
of punishment.
Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what
she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt
important. When she married and had her own children, she
knew that she didn't want to treat her children the way she
had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and
needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.
Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with
her children, playing with them, listening to them, and
giving them much affection and approval. However, because it
was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and
important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their
demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy
to put herself aside. She actually believed that her
children's feelings and needs were more important than hers.
As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own
upbringing and became a permissive parent.
The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was
that she didn't value herself. The results for her children
of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with
entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than
others, and often not being caring and respectful toward
others.
Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving
parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both
the parents' and the children's feelings and needs. Loving
parents do not attempt to control their children – other
than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they
allow their children to control them. They do not violate
their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they
allow their children to violate them. They do not expect
their children to give themselves for others, nor do they
give themselves up for their children.
Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves
enough to not worry about being rejected by their children.
They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable
behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their
children. Their identities are not tied into their
children's performance in school or in other activities,
such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how
their children look. They are accepting of who their
children are as individuals, even when their children are
very different from them. They do not impose their way of
being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly
reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity,
caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.
As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have
done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of
rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting
out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If
you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you
will automatically protect against these fears in your
relationships with your children. You may find yourself
trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or
rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger
or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of
rejection can manifest with children through trying to
control them with anger, or through trying to control their
love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination
can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence
to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest
through attempting to get your children to perform in the
way you want in order to define your worth.
In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will
surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy
children means first healing the wounded child within you –
the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and
your desire to protect against rejection and domination.
Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian
and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less
than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people
taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as
the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the
rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know
that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.
Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the
process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful
healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding
now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.
Copyright: © 2004 by Roxanna Ward
