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Articles
Articles
Overscheduled Children
By Rae Pica
Like the childhood obesity problem, the subject of "superkids" gets plenty
of press these days. Time devoted the better part of an issue to it.
Newsweek featured an article titled "Busy Around the Clock." Articles with
titles like "Whatever Happened to Play?" "Pushing Children Too Hard," and
"Are You Over-Scheduling Your kids?" show up in print media and on the
Internet. Books with titles like Hyper-Parenting: Are Your Hurting Your
Child by Trying Too Hard? are appearing on bookshelves.
What are superkids? Some call them overscheduled; others refer to them as
pushed or hurried. Some speak of the practice of creating superkids as
scheduled hyperactivity. Child development specialist David Elkind writes:
"Parents are under more pressure than ever to over schedule their children
and have them engage in organized sports and other activities that may be
age-inappropriate." Most agree the practice is today's status symbol among
families. In short, a superkid is a child pressured by parents and by
society in general to do too much too soon. It's a phenomenon in our
society in an escalating trend - with no end in sight. It's a frightening
thought.
Writing in the magazine Child Care Information Exchange, Johann Christoph
Arnold says: "The pressure to excel is undermining childhood as never
before." He also asks: "Why are we so keen to mold [children] into
successful adults, instead of treasuring their genuineness and carefree
innocence?"
We have the best intentions, of course. We want our children to be happy;
we equate happiness with success. And we fervently believe that success
won't come unless we give our children a head start - a jump on the
competition as it were.
But at what cost will all of this "success" come? If children don't learn
to play as children, they aren't likely to discover its value as adults.
And, oh, what a dreary, deadening existence daily life will become. Think
about the following questions, really pondering each for a moment:
* If children begin living like adults in childhood, what will there be left
to look forward to?
* What's to ensure they won't be burned out from all the pushing and
pressure before they've even reached puberty?
* If we've caused them to miss the magic of childhood, how will they ever
find the magic necessary to cope with the trials and tribulations of
adulthood?
* What will become of the childlike nature adults call on when they need
reminding of the delight found in simple things - when they need to bring
out the playfulness that makes life worth living?
* What joy will our children find as adults if striving to "succeed" becomes
life's sole purpose?
Childhood is not a dress rehearsal for adulthood! It is a separate, unique,
and very special phase of life. And we're essentially wiping it out of
existence in an effort to be sure our children get ahead. But when did we
decide that life was one long race? When, exactly, did life become a
competition?
Young children are not internally motivated to succeed; their only
motivation comes from the value we place on success. And they don't want to
let us down. As a result, stress is often a principal factor in the life of
a superkid. Of course, into every life a little stress must fall. But when
it becomes more than a person is capable of handling, it becomes unhealthy.
Studies have shown that the brains of stressed preschoolers now look
remarkably like the brains of stressed adults, which have excessive levels
of adrenaline and cortisol, the chemicals responsible for the body's
fight-or-flight reaction. Young children, who don't have the vocabulary or
understanding to express what they're feeling, will often act out as a way
of coping.
But there's more than stress involved in pushing children onto the fast
track to success before they even understand the concept. For one thing,
children aren't allowed to discover motivation on their own - and motivation
is often more important to success than talent. Pushed children never have
the opportunity to discover who they are. And they never learn to be at
ease with themselves when alone, with time on their hands. Having
experienced life "by the clock" - and almost constantly surrounded by others
- these kids have never learned the joy of solitude, of having only oneself
for company. Not only does this mean they're unable to practice
self-reflection, but they're also unable to simply be.
Not long ago, in an attempt to help adults realize the folly of all work and
no play, a saying began appearing on bumper stickers and in e-mails. It
read: "No one ever said on his deathbed, 'I wish I'd spent more time at the
office.'" Whether or not the saying had the desired effect remains to be
seen, as adults appear as determined as ever to fill up their time with
accomplishments. But someone had the right idea, and evidently quite a few
people agreed with the sentiment. Isn't it now time to consider the same
sentiment as it relates to children? Is there anyone who would say, at the
conclusion of childhood, "I wish I'd had less time to play"? Who, after
all, wants to look back on life and regret passing up that one and only
opportunity to just be a kid?
Rae Pica is a children's movement specialist and the author of Your Active
Child: How to Boost Physical, Emotional, and Cognitive Development through
Age-Appropriate Activity (McGraw-Hill, 2003). Rae speaks to parent and
education groups throughout North America. Visit her at
www.movingandlearning.com .
Teaching Teens the Value of Money
by Rachel Paxton
It isn't easy raising teens in today's materialistic society.
The older they get, the more expensive the things they want or
think they need. If they don't learn how to manage their money
at a young age, they won't be able to make it in the real world.
We've tried to teach our teenage daughter from a young age that
money and the things that money can buy can't bring you
happiness, but that is no easy task. Especially when her parents
aren't perfect role models.
We have picked up some tips along the way, however, that have
given our daughter a better appreciation for money and how to
manage her own spending habits.
* We gave her a small allowance until she was old enough to get a
part time job, and then the allowance went away. When she was
getting an allowance, it wasn't enough to buy most things she
wanted. She had to decide what she wanted to spend her money on
and save to get it.
* I helped her open her own checking account when she turned 16,
and taught her how to balance her checkbook every month.
* We encourage her to think of others, and not only herself. She
decided on her own to set aside a portion of her income (tithe)
to sponsor a child from the Dominican Republic. That experience
has been very rewarding for her and she enjoys writing her own
check out for it every month and receiving letters from her
child.
* I buy our daughter several outfits when school starts, and then
a few things here and there throughout the school year. Anything
extra or too expensive she buys herself if she really wants it.
* Our daughter has learned to love a great bargain. She often
shops at yard sales and thrift stores to save money.
* We told our daughter we would buy her an inexpensive car for
her 16th birthday, but she would have to pay for gas and
insurance. This was a difficult adjustment at first, but has
taught her to budget her monthly income.
* She provides her own entertainment. I'll take her out to the
movies or out to lunch, but if she wants to go with her friends,
she pays. It's surprising how often she decides not to spend the
money.
We don't expect our daughter to pay for all of her own expenses.
We pay for a cell phone for her in case her car breaks down or
she needs to let us know where she is. The point is not to make
your teen 100% independent quite yet, but they should be close to
being able to take care of themselves at this age and manage
their own money. Our daughter has been learning how to manage
her finances from a young age and I feel confident she will
successfully manage her money on her own.
Rachel Paxton is a freelance writer, mom, and owner of four home
and family web sites. For complete resources for the Christian
home, visit her web site at
http://www.Christian-Parent.com .
Child Safety – Is YOUR child
protected?
By Kimberly Vetrano
http://www.FUNtasticLettersandWraps.com
It's a parent's worst nightmare. You are with your family in a
crowded store. You turn for just one moment to look at something
then turn back to realize your child is not beside you. Your heart
feels like it's stopping while terror takes over your body.
Thankfully your child is just a few feet away and everything is fine
again. Sadly, for thousands of families each year this story does
not have a happy ending.
*The F.B.I. receives on average 2,000 missing children reports each
day. In the United States a child goes missing every 40 seconds, 24
hours a day, 365 days a year. And according to the US Department of
Justice and the World Almanac the chances of a child of being
abducted at 1 in 42.
These statistics are not to scare you, but rather to express upon
all parents and caregivers the importance of teaching your children
how to stay safe and properly identified in the event they are
missing or abducted. Most people make sure that they have an
identification tag for their pets, but never consider the importance
of having identification for their own children.
So what can parents and caregivers do to protect their children?
It is very important to have proper identification for your children
available in case a child goes missing or is abducted. It is also
important to have a current picture of your child, their
fingerprints and a DNA sample. There is a new product available now
that will allow you to have your child's teeth prints preserved
since dental records are often used for identification. According to
Peter Banks, Director of the National Center for Missing and
Exploited Children, when tooth prints are taken sufficient proteins
in the saliva remain on the wafer from which a DNA test can be
successfully performed for yet a second means of identification from
the tooth prints. Such products are readily available and
inexpensive. Child Safety and More
(http://www.ChildSafetyandMore.com)
offers a variety of afford
identification kits including the tooth prints. All children should
have proper identification on record for safekeeping and updated
each year.
Another critical thing that parents and caregivers can do to protect
their children is to make sure their children always wear some type
of discreet identification. T-shirts with a child's name on it or a
name tag on their jacket makes them an easy target for the would-be
child abductor. Instead, parents should utilize non-obvious forms of
identification on their children such as a Child ID Scope and
identification bracelets where your child's name and your contact
information is printed on the inside of the bracelet so that it is
not easily seen by others.
Other important tips parents and caregivers can use to help protect
their children:
· Never allow children to go anywhere without
telling you
first.
· Make sure you know exactly what your child is
wearing each
day. Take a mental note of their shoes, shirt, pants and anything
else they might be wearing so you can recall it if needed. You can
make a game of it as well. See if your child can also recall what
you have on. Then, if your child should become separated from you,
they can tell someone what color your jacket is or what color dress
you have on.
· Go over the rules about strangers with your
children
whenever they leave the house. Such "rules" would include never
talking to strangers unless it is someone who is trying to help them
such as a police officer or store employee. Remind your child to
keep a safe distance from strangers and, in the event a stranger
tries to grab hold of them, your child should shout at the top of
their lungs "Help! You are not my Mommy/Daddy". It is also important
to teach your children not to fall for the typical "lures" that
abductors use such as helping them to locate a lost pet or child.
· Should your child become separated from you,
teach your
children to remain in one spot and not to wonder around. Tell them
that you will come and find them by back tracking where you were.
You can also point out store employees to your children so that your
children know they can tell them that they are lost and need help
locating you.
· If your child should get lost from you and
cannot locate a
police officer or uniformed employee, instruct your child to seek
out a mother with children rather then someone who is alone. Mothers
are more likely to help out a young child.
· Teach your children to trust their intuition. If
they feel
uncomfortable about a person or situation, your child should feel
that they could talk to you about these feelings. Always listen to
what your child has to say and never just dismiss anything without
finding out "why".
· Create a special "code word" that only you and
your children
know. Do not share this code word with anyone unless they need to
know. Teach your children that they are not to go with anyone, no
matter what they say (such as "Mommy wanted me to come and get
you.") unless that person can give them the secret "code word". If
that person does not know the code word then instruct your child to
run away as fast as they can.
If you discover your child missing, try not to panic. First, check
all around you to make sure that your child has just not wandered
off. If you still do not find your child then go ahead and call the
police immediately. There is no waiting period to report a missing
person. Make sure you can describe what your child was wearing,
where they were last seen, and hand over important documents to the
police such as your child's current photo, finger prints and DNA
samples. Request that they enter your child's information in the
National Crime Information Center Missing Person File (NCIC). You
can also call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
at 1-800-THE-LOST and request to have your child's information
entered into their database.
Your child's safety should be your number one priority. With a few
simple steps you can help protect your child. Your child does not
have to become a statistic. With some common sense and a serious
approach to their safety, you can help protect your child from
becoming a victim. Make sure you approach this subject with your
children in a non-threatening manner. The key is to teach your
children how to keep safe; you don't want to alarm them or make them
fearful.
*National statistics from the National Center for Missing and
Exploited Children.
© 2004 Kimberly Vetrano is the owner of Child Safety & More
(http://www.ChildSafetyandMore.com)
and FUNtastic Letters & Wraps
(http://www.FUNtasticLettersandWraps.com)
and specializes in Child
Safety ID Products, educational books and other family related
products & services.
Parenting
with Style: Why You Might Clash with Your Child
Copyright © 2004, Dr. Caron B. Goode
Nurture Your Child's Gift, Inspired Parenting
http://www.InspiredParenting.net
Every morning, six-year-old Josh and his mom clash at breakfast
just as Mom is ready to walk out the door. A daydreamer by
nature, Josh moves through life at a slower pace than his
task-oriented mom who values organization. Their distinct ways
of relating to the world reveal their obviously different
personal styles.
A "personal style" is a natural predisposition toward time,
stress, people, tasks, and situations. Understanding a child's
style enables parents, caregivers, and teachers to interact more
effectively and get results. Researcher, Terry Anderson, Ph.D.
notes four style categories: behavioral, cognitive,
interpersonal, and affective.
When parents can communicate and interact in ways that fit their
children's unique styles, there is harmony in the home. Both
parents and children develop confidence and self-esteem.
A Constant Through Life
Personal style is only one of six factors that make up
personality; it's a foundation for one's preferences, reactions,
and values. It remains a constant throughout life. The chart
below provides an easy way to "picture" the differences in the
four styles, followed by brief descriptions and suggestions for
interacting with your children.
_________________________________________________________________
Style Name Preference for.. Limited with..
Best Learns..
1.
Behavioral Tasks\things
People\social Independently
2.
Cognitive Data\information Tasks\things
Visually
3.
Interpersonal People\social Ideas\creativity
Aurally
4.
Affective Ideas\creativity Data\numbers
Experientially
Source: Robinson, Everett, T. Why Aren't You More Like Me? Styles
& Skills for Leading and Living with Credibility. Seattle:
Consulting Resource Group International, Inc. 1997. p. 30
_________________________________________________________________
1. Behavioral Style
Behavioral children need freedom and self-expression; they enjoy
structure but not controls. They prefer to learn by themselves
rather in a group. They look to real-life examples rather than
abstract thinking or discussions. Rising to their challenges
as problem-solvers, they're often bold, willful, productive,
competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. They like to be
leaders and recognized for their achievements. When they feel a
parent's incongruence, they question authority. These children
rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead, they set
goals and take the necessary actions to reach them.
Parenting communications for Behavioral-style children: These
children need a no-blame, non-emotional approach. Be fair, open,
logical, honest, and direct. To get tasks done, give them the
task, state the benefit or reward, and ask them when and how
they can do it. Don't stand over them or try to direct their
activities. Instead, set the structure for this child, and
expect it to be done without having to explain the 'why' of
it. If you're an emotional or touchy-feely parent, don't take
it personally if this child doesn't respond in kind.
2. Cognitive Style
Cognitive-oriented children need affirmation and understanding.
They take instruction well, admiring expertise and knowledge.
Yet they are deep thinkers, and like to examine issues and
relationships. Respectful of others, they appreciate respect
in return. They value intimacy and good relationships. They
work well with data, are organized, and can be perfectionists.
Because their talents lie in numbers and mathematics, they
often spend hours at their computers.
Parenting communications for Cognitive-style children:
Heart-to-heart appreciation and respect work best. State facts
calmly ("you didn't clean your room today") rather than argue
or make generalities ("you never clean your room."). Because
cognitive children prefer not to compete and might not respond
to rewards or games, lay out activities and then provide time and
freedom for children to complete them. Make only constructive
suggestions. As perfectionists, they'll criticize themselves
enough without a parent's help.
3. Interpersonal Style
Interpersonal-style children need appreciation and trust.
Highly perceptive, they require honesty in communication and
relationships. They are the peacemakers in your family, and will
worry about you if there are arguments or illnesses. Sometimes
shy, they like to feel included in the family. They value secure
relationships and stable environments, and don't fare well with
transitions unless prepared beforehand. These children feel
disharmony deeply and might internalize it. They're often
employed in service businesses because they are people-focused.
Parenting communications for Interpersonal-style children:
Friendly conversations and clear communications that don't
threaten or punish are advised. They listen well. Model behavior
for them, as they'll hear and watch you. Solve problems together,
each contributing to the solution. Present tasks so that success
can be measured easily before progressing to graduated stages of
difficulty. Don't present the hardest problem first; or children
may feel overwhelmed and won't finish it. Appreciate these
children often, and they will feel great about themselves.
4. Affective Style
Like Josh, these children are highly creative and artistic;
later in life, they're called visionaries or dreamers. They need
to feel through things before making decisions. They easily live
in the world of ideas as a writer does, or find other expressive
outlets like organizing games around friends. They enjoy variety
and get bored easily. They crave acknowledgement for their
creativity. They want to be the center of attention. They value
friendships and easily enjoy life. They learn by doing.
Parenting communications for Affective-style children:
Give these children affection, touch, conversation, and personal
attention. Share stories about life, and look at photo albums.
Engage them in group activities; they'll rise to challenges
when presented with excitement and fun. These children love
outings, family vacations, and new experiences.
Allow them to be creative, offer structure and discipline
positively and enthusiastically. Encourage them in projects
involving drama, theater, group activities, peer counseling,
and selling for fund raising. Good luck asking these kids to
take out the garbage!
How can Josh's mom communicate better with her affective-style
son? Applying her organization skills, she can develop a colored
chart showing scheduled times for Josh's activities. She sets a
clown-face timer for 20 minutes, the amount of time it takes to
share breakfast. When the buzzer sounds, she gets Josh to move
by gently touching his arm. That urges him to get ready before
leaving for school.
Resource Box:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Caron Goode is a parenting expert who speaks and writes
about how parents can nurture their children's gift. Go to
http://www.InspiredParenting.net
to order "Nurture Your Child's
Gift, Inspired Parenting," and sign up for the online parenting
magazine. To discover your personal parenting styles, click on
the Four Tool Every Parent Needs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
10 Ways
to Get Your Kids to Talk to You
Parents can often be frustrated by their kids'
unwillingness to share their lives with them.
Whether your kids are toddlers or teens, there will be times when it's difficult
to "break through" and find out what's really going on.
Here are ten ideas on how to create opportunities for your kids to open up and
share their lives with you.
1. Don't try so hard to get them to talk.
The harder you try to get them to talk, the more they'll resist you. When you
relax the pressure a
bit, they'll sense it and be more ready to talk to you.
2. Slow down your own life and be available.
Kids have a keen sense of how busy you are. If you're providing enough down time
for you and your
kids, they'll be more likely to feel comfortable talking to you.
3. Engage in a physical activity that they enjoy.
Shooting baskets, playing soccer, or a game of catch may have your child
chattering away. Moving
the body can serve to move the mouth as well!
4. Be as non-judgmental as possible.
If your kids feel they won't be judged when they talk to you they'll have no
reason to hold back. Have a sense of curiosity and wonder about what they're
saying, and limit the lectures about what's right or wrong.
5. Use open-ended questions.
Questions that begin with "why" tend to create defensiveness, and yes or no
questions won't get you much of a response. Learn to use questions that will
stimulate conversation. "What did you notice about that picture?" works better
than, "Did you like that picture?"
6. Use the car as a place for conversation.
You've got them and they can't get out! Don't allow video games or other toys to
interfere with your opportunity to talk with them.
7. Reflect back what you hear from them.
It's still the best way for your kids to feel heard and the best way to
encourage them to expand on the subject.
8. Talk to them while they're coloring, painting, or drawing.
Using these activities to allow your kids to express themselves can have them
expressing themselves to you as well. And joining in on the activity yourself
can produce an even greater sense of connection and sharing.
9. Provide opportunities for fun and excitement.
Whatever the activity, when your kids are doing something they love to do
they'll want to share it with you. Provide these for your kids and listen to
them talk about it afterward!
10. Be a friend as well as a parent.
While you must be a parent first, being a friend to your kids will help them to
want to share with you. Don't overdo the strict parental stuff!
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers
(http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm.
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly
newsletter, Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids, at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com
Fathers Tell Your
Stories!
I must admit to having a fear that I believe I share with many fathers. I fear
that I will some day be insignificant to my children. It's not as though they'll
completely forget who I am; it's that what I stand for and what I believe in
won't be a significant part of their lives.
Perhaps popular culture will take over. Or perhaps they just won't care. The
fear is there because it's so important to me that my children have a moral
compass to live by, and that they have a value system that honors and respects
others.
So what are fathers to do? We live in an increasingly complex society and the
answers to our children's questions are neither easy nor simple. Many of these
questions may be difficult to answer and may show your kids that ideas about
what's right and wrong are not always very clear.
What fathers can do is to wish and hope that things turn out for your
children--or you can have the courage to make passing on your values an absolute
priority in your family. You can challenge yourself to pass on love, faith,
courage, freedom--the eternal truths that will have meaning for your children
for generations to come.
There will certainly be some bumps along the way and it won't always be a smooth
ride. After all, there's an entire culture out there that's telling your kids
that what they wear and what they buy is the most important thing in their life.
There's a way for fathers to succeed here. They can do it through the stories
that they tell their kids and also through how they models for their kids.
You can start by taking a different and closer look at the daily events that
happen in your life. Your life is filled with significant happenings that you
can sometimes pass over if you're not paying attention or if you get too busy.
These events can become stories that your children will cherish.
Why is it important to tell your stories to your children?
One important reason is that it serves to connect your children to previous
generations and to help them to feel a part of the larger whole of your family.
Perhaps a more important reason is that telling your children your stories helps
them to deal with the difficult challenges that they'll be facing in their life.
The truth is that your kids will go through some real struggles. As parents, it
can be painful to watch--and it is seldom useful to try to come to the rescue.
What can be helpful to your kids is to know that their father, and other
significant people in their lives, have gone through similar struggles and have
survived.
Stories are often about struggles and failures. Your children love to hear
stories about these struggles because they have them often in their own lives.
They know failure and struggle extremely well; that's a lot of what being a kid
is about.
The stories you tell them will ultimately be comforting. That you have had these
struggles and have come back and recovered is encouragement to them; your kids
will need a truckload of encouragement to navigate their way through life.
It is truly a gift to be able to communicate to your children what is in your
heart through the use of stories. Stories can not only be used as a vehicle to
pass along your values, but they are likely to inspire your children to repeat
the same process with their children.
Here are five suggestions to help you come up with stories for your children:
1. Tell stories to your kids when they are the most attentive to them--when they
are in bed, or settled down so they can sit still for awhile.
2. Make sure to include stories of you failing miserably. These are particularly
useful to your kids. We've all got a few of these, don't we?
3. Have your parents tell your children some of their own stories if they are
able--a great way to show the connection that exists between generations.
4. Use stories to answer your kids' questions about difficult issues. They need
to know that you have faced these issues yourself, and that there are many
choices available.
5. Realize that you don't need a history of storytelling in your family to get
started, and you don't need to be a great storyteller. Give some thought to
experiences you've had that might relate to some of the issues your kids are
facing right now or in the near future.
There is a short window of opportunity in which to tell your children the
stories of your life. Many fathers fail to tell their stories because of a lack
of a story-telling tradition in their family of origin. This can be a wonderful
opportunity to begin your own tradition with your own stories.
Teaching your kids about life through telling your stories will be a whole lot
more effective than lecturing any day of the week. Your kids will want to hear
your stories, the lecturing they could probably do without.
May your stories live on eternally.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers" (http://www.markbrandenburg.
com/e_book.htm#secrets. For more great tips and action steps for
fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids,"
at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
The
dilemma of being a parent and a friend
I don't know any parents that look into the eyes of a
newborn baby and say, How can we screw this kid up. (Russell Bishop) This
morning was one of the many in which I wondered about the combination of being a
parent and a friend. There are so many sources that will tell you
that the best way of being a parent is to be a friend to your children as well,
so that they will trust you enough to share their troubles with you. And once
that multi-dimensional relationship is established, you will be able to monitor
the way your child can handle his or her issues better.
I don't think that there is any parent that would disagree with this statement.
After all: who wants to maintain a distance with his or her children and run the
risk of not knowing what drives them to certain actions?
However-and here's my dilemma-it is not always an easy task to be a child's
parent and friend at the same time. Especially when the child reaches
adolescence or young adulthood, for that's when issues of youthful cruelty
expand to serious proportions, and your life-experienced opinions start to
collide with those of your offspring.
An example? Imagine your 15-year-old son complaining about a bully in school.
You energetically start instructing him about handling this pitiless character,
and it works well. until, one day, your son introduces you to his new best
friend: the bully! Now, an optimistic soul may hope that the bully has realized
his nastiness and changed his ways, but experience has taught us that such is an
unlikely scheme. Bullies are out to control, and the victims usually only become
the bullies' friends because it's easier to join them than to fight them. Not
because they are really such desirable friends.
So, here you are: knowing that your child is now in the hands of one who has
merciless control and can drive your young one to deeds that you would prefer
him to refrain from.
Another example: Imagine your 19-year-old daughter repeatedly pouring out her
heart about an emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriend. You listen, pick up
the pieces of her shattered self-esteem, and mend them: Time and again.
You keep talking to her, and explain from your own life experiences how crucial
it is to break the ties with an emotional abuser while it is still relatively
easy: that is, before there are children involved. However, your young one also
expects you to be her understanding friend when she wants to hang out with this
despicable creature again. For that's what a friend would do, right?
But what would a parent do? Just shake his or her head and watch the youngster
maneuver him- or herself in a hopeless situation again?
You know, the parents among the readers who have younger or older children than
the ones in the so-called difficult age-area described above, may be fast with
their judgments: either because they have not been there yet, or because they,
like most people, have decided to forget what was too painful to remember. Thus,
these parents will have all kinds of wise advices for you.
But "having children makes one no more a parent than having a piano makes you a
pianist," says Michael Levine. To me, that underscores the truth that there is
no single right way of raising your children. One can have 5 youngsters at home,
and all 5 may require a different approach. Some kids
hardly need any direction; others will need more guidance when they're little,
yet others may need more supervision as they mature. Some kids, again, may
require micro-guidance at all times, while others should rather be let free to
find their own way.
So, who can tell what's the right approach toward raising children? There are so
many adults out there who never had appropriate care as a child and still turned
into excellent members of society. And there are just as many adults who had a
lot of attention during childhood, yet turned out to be
appalling characters. I guess I agree with Elizabeth Gaskell's statement that a
wise parent humors
the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when
his absolute rule shall cease.
So, my conclusion is, then, that, if you want to do a good
job as a parent,the best way is to listen and to communicate. And to tell your
children that you want to be their friend, but that you are their parent as
well, and that they cannot expect the impossible from you, which would be:
shrugging when they make the same mistake over and over again. Yes, you will not
turn your
back upon your child under any circumstance, but the perspectives have to be set
straight. Period.
Children
You can stare all you want
Be stricken by daunt:
Your children
Have their own life
Once they leave your nest.
And as troubles occur
When you least prefer
They will call you
And ask for your ear
To get the worries of their chest.
Your heart keeps ticking
Your hands continue their work
And through the mechanics of your actions
You will be caught
By the thought
That having children is a blessing
But so is
Having not.
Joan Marques, Burbank, March 5, 2004
---------------------------------------------------
About the Author:
Joan Marques, holds an MBA, is a doctoral candidate in Organizational
Leadership, and a university instructor in Business and Management in Burbank,
California. You may visit her web site at
www.joanmarques.com Joan's manual "Feel Good About Yourself," a six part
series to get you over the bumps in life and onto success, can be purchased and
downloaded at:
http://www.non-books.com/FeelGoodSeries.html
100 Ways to
Connect with your Teens by Dr. Debra Hapenny Ciavola
www.greatparentingtips.com
View adolescence as an adventure.
Respect their privacy.
Create family times around activities they enjoy.
Keep the delicate balance between holding on and letting go.
Understand the nature of the adolescent beast.
Take advantage of an unexpected connection.
Bite your tongue.
Don’t take their chaotic behavior or mood swings personally.
Help them discover their spirituality.
Catch them doing something right and praise them.
Influence your teens’ decision making, but don’t say “I forbid.”
Give privileges with age and responsibility.
Be their mentor and ally.
Guide them, not manage them.
Be clear about expectations and the consequences for not meeting
those expectations.
Be your teen’s advocate.
Show true interest in their activities.
Expect miracles.
Be their parent. Teens do want rules, limits, and questions
from you.
If you can’t police, monitor or enforce a rule, don’t have it.
Watch the little rules that poison relationships.
Spend time alone with your teen.
Ask open ended question, such as “What are you learning in your
history class?”
Encourage them to talk it out.
Actively supervise your teen’s exposure to media violence.
Acknowledge your teen’s fears, even if you do not agree with them.
Control your own behavior.
Talk about gangs and cliques.
Allow them safe and healthy outlets for their energy.
Use “I” statements rather than “You”.
Enforce the important stuff, not the little stuff.
Seek to understand what your teen is really saying rather than
reacting.
Share something personal that relates to your years as a teen.
Avoid giving unwanted advice.
Discuss personal matters on sex and fears.
Give your teen the impression that you trust them to do what is
right.
Listen patiently to your teen’s reasons for wanting to do
something.
Connect with your teen. Reflect on your adolescence.
Avoid lecturing.
Be someone they can believe in.
Make your home a place where teens want to hang out.
Talk less about the media and more about real heroes in our
country.
Make a list of ten things you like about your teen and tell them.
Teach them how to be compassionate, empathetic, and fair.
Show compassion to other teenagers.
Keep your face relaxed when they are telling you something you
don’t want to hear.
Talk about drinking and its consequences. Make your
expectations known.
Help them establish their own autonomy while maintaining a loving
relationship with you.
Support your teen’s interests and encourage in their
accomplishments.
Have regular family meetings in which the whole family talks things
over and makes decisions together.
Ask what worries them most about their future.
Use natural and logical consequences, so discipline makes sense.
When they come home from an event ask, “How did you show good
character?”
Teach respect for life in all forms.
Ask if they would like to go out to eat, run an errand, or go
shopping with you.
Show up to watch them in their activities. Clap loudly.
Talk to their friends, learn their names, and let them confide in
you.
Work together in community activities.
Learn more about their world.
Believe they can make a difference and be a success.
Admit when you are wrong. Be able to say, “I’m sorry.”
Hug them often.
Say, “I love you. I’m proud of you.”
Show your teen respect.
Eat dinner together four to five days a week.
Never berate or belittle teens in front of their friends or peers.
Ask their opinions.
Give them room to breath to balance independence with dependence.
Set standards in clothing while still allowing them to express
themselves.
Talk to your teen when there is not a problem.
Listen carefully to what is being said as well as what is not.
Have daily conversations.
Share your concerns rather than being the undercover cop.
Keep the discussions with your teen confidential unless they are
involved with something dangerous.
Follow through on promises.
Allow your teen to take responsibility when you see them handling
it well.
Forgive your teen when they make a mistake.
Negotiate new challenges.
Give your teen increasing autonomy (even if it kills you).
Accept all of your teen’s feelings as long as they are respectfully
conveyed.
Schedule times to talk about unappealing topics. Do not catch
on the fly.
Focus on what your teen did right before offering constructive
criticism.
Make more statements rather than asking questions.
Talk to your teenager rather than at them.
Don’t over-react.
Accept they will have moody behavior and teach them how to deal
with it.
Allow them to make decisions about their own lives whenever
possible.
Remember you are in the process of “people-making.”
Express words of appreciation.
Listen with your heart.
Help them develop a sense of humor by telling funny stories of your
day.
Enforce mutually acceptable behavior standards.
Listen to the whole story before you react.
Use natural and logical consequences when a boundary is broken.
Cook together or teach them how to cook.
Wait up until they come home.
Talk in the dark after the house is quiet and they are tired and
relaxed.
Find out if they want you to fix it or just listen before you give
advice.
Discover a shared passion together.
100. Remember, children become who you predict them to be.
Dr. Debbie Ciavola is a marriage and family therapist specializing in teens,
stepfamilies, grief, divorce, and single parenting. She is available for online
coaching as well as by telephone at 972-304-5409. You can reach Dr. Debbie
at
www.greatparentingtips.com or
email her at
drdebbie@greatparentingtips.com.
Top Ten Common-Sense Rules for
Fathers
There are a lot of fairly sophisticated parenting techniques and ideas out there
that are attracting attention. To be an effective father, you can skip most of
them and concentrate on common sense rules that have always worked. They won't
always make you the most popular Dad, but they'll always be effective:
Rule #1 Expect A Great Deal From Your Kids
If your kids know that you expect a lot from them, they'll rise to the occasion.
Everything from saying please and thank-you, to efforts in school or on the
athletic field, if expectations are made clear in a loving atmosphere your kids
will know that you think a lot of them. When they know this, they'll respond.
Rule #2 Always Be Willing To Be the Problem
When you're convinced that someone in your family is causing the problems and
you're blaming them for it, realize that this problem won't get better until you
accept that you're making it worse by blaming them. It may briefly feel good to
blame, but it never improves anything. Loving and accepting that person will
make a positive difference.
Rule #3 Know Your Child's Life Intimately
Get to know all that you can about your kids. Know what their favorite toys and
colors are, who their best friends are, who their heroes are, etc. By showing
interest, you're showing you love them. By not asking, you show that they're not
that important to you.
Rule #4 Say No To Your Kids
There's an awful lot of stuff out there for kids these days...and of course they
want to have it all. Kids who get almost everything they want typically don't
turn out to be very happy kids. Kids learn discipline, self-control, and how to
delay gratification when they are told no by their parents. It may be a
difficult struggle, but saying no and meaning it will help you to have happy,
healthy, and cooperative kids.
Rule #5 Hitting or Spanking Your Kids Doesn't Work
There are plenty of studies showing that kids who are spanked have lower
self-esteem. Spanking your kids will also be likely to increase the very kinds
of behaviors that you are spanking them for. As a father, do you really want
your child to be afraid of you?
Rule #6 Treat Your Wife Extremely Well
This is where your kids get their most important information about relationships
between men and women. Make a great effort not to fight in front of the kids.
Remember to be kind more often than trying to be right.
Rule #7 Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Many parents spend time threatening their children when their kids aren't
cooperating. But if you don't follow through on the consequences, you can
threaten till the cows come home. Your children will learn to ignore the
threats. They'll understand action. If certain privileges are taken away because
of their lack of cooperation, they'll learn very quickly that you mean business.
Try your best to align the consequences with the action. ( If you don't clean
your room in time, you won't have time for stories before bed.)
Rule #8 Really Listen to Your Kids
Don't just hear their words, but learn to understand the meaning behind what
they say as well. I'm picking my own clothes! might mean that your child wants
more responsibility or independence. Be able to reflect back what your child
says to you. If you want your child to listen to you, you absolutely must listen
to her/him.
Rule #9 Give Your Kids Responsibility as They Grow Older
When your kids are very young, maybe they just help make their beds in the
morning and keep their rooms clean. As they get older, add things to their list.
Tell them that this is how a family works. Everybody has certain things
that they do. If you do it when they're young it's more likely they'll do it
when they're older. Don't reward them for things that should be expected of
them.
Rule #10 Tell Your Kids They're Great All the Time
It is especially important to tell them this when they're not at their best.
It's easy to tell them when things are going well. Make it a point to tell them
specifically what you think is great about them. This will be more meaningful
than generalized praise.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of 25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/e_bookhtm#secrets .
. For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign
up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids, at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com
HOW TO BE A
SUCCESSFUL/SUPPORTIVE SPORTS PARENT
If you have been a sports parent for a while you have undoubtedly attended more
than one "Parent Meeting" where the coach collects fees, hands out the game
schedule, asks for parent volunteers and gives the infamous "Do No Harm
From the Sidelines" advice. Essentially the coach asks that parents not yell
their child's name during play, or coach from the sidelines, or make derogatory
comments about the teams, the referees or the coaches. Even though it may seem
pretty clear about what the coach is driving at, inevitably parents ask each
other "does this mean I can't cheer for my child or her team?" You coaches may
not realize that parents are confused by your well intentioned advice, but the
reason is pretty obvious. Think about it. It would be poor coaching (and pretty
poor parenting for that matter) to
only tell your players what they are doing wrong. In addition to learning from
their mistakes, players (and their parent supporters) need to know what they are
doing well, or what will work better.
There are two major ideas to consider if you are to be a truly awesome sports
parent. First, because you love your child/athlete and want the very best for
him or her, you really need to pay attention to who your child is so that you
can support what works for him or her. Second, although sports are stimulating
and should be fun, they also demand an emotional response, so it is important
for parents to develop a healthy EQ (Emotional Quotient) and to pass the lessons
onto your child/athlete. If you can master these two concepts and put them into
everyday practice, you will
become an exemplary sports parent and your child will have a terrific role
model, not just for sportsmanship but for life in general.
I have two children who are as different as night and day when it comes to
interest in sports. One loves team play, the challenges of performing at her
best, and the camaraderie of her teammates. The other child finds team
sports too stimulating and prefers challenges that are intrinsic such as
swimming and weight training. What is your child like? Does your child play
soccer because he loves to be with his friends? Does he play because he gets a
charge out of competing? Or does he play because he loves the personal challenge
to excel regardless of competition?
Knowing who your child is helps you to place him or her in the right sport with
a compatible coach. Although my soccer daughter loves the game, she loves being
on the field with her friends more. So it is important in our family to find a
coach and other team families who encourage this aspect of the game. For
example once I had to remove my child from a team because her coach felt it
inappropriate that friendship was one of her sports goals. Rather he felt she
should put competition ahead of friendship! According to Jim Sundberg, former
professional baseball player and founder of Sports Training Systems, kids report
that the most enjoyable aspect of playing sports is relationships. Makes sense
to me.
If you have really taken the time to get to know your child and are supportive
of the sport that best suits him or her, regardless of your sports interest, you
are well on your way to establishing a healthy Emotional Quotient (EQ). Sports
should be fun, first and foremost. If you keep this in mind, the whole family
can enjoy your child's sport and create fond memories. Keeping the sport fun
sends a more important message to your child than the emphasis on winning.
Keeping the family and fun in sports teaches the importance of fitness and fun
for a lifetime.
There are three questions to ask yourself to determine if you have a healthy EQ
when it comes to your child's
athletic career.
1. Are winning and losing more important than fun for you and your child? If so,
you can expect increasing pressure in your home that could eventually cause
problems for your child, yourself or both. With the fun gone and competition
the only goal, some kids choose to drop out.
2. Is pursuing this sport your dream or your child's? If your child loves
the game and is designed for his or her sport, and he or she enjoys pleasing
you, not a problem. But if your child is pleasing you because you have
unresolved feelings of inadequacy, then both of you lose the opportunity to
grow. You may find your child pulling away
from you or giving up the game in order to find independence.
3. Is your job as a parent to guide or to mould your child/athlete? Any parent
who has more than one child, or who is an adoptive parent knows that their child
came into this world with his or her own personality and talents. Parents really
have little to do with who their child is. Your job on the other hand is
to help the child discover who
he or she is by providing opportunities and experiences that develop their
talents.
The next time your child's coach gives the "Do No Harm" lecture, recognize
the deeper intention behind the words. Actually the coach is encouraging you the
parent to get to know your child better and to improve your EQ, so that you,
your child and entire family can learn about the fun and benefits of a lifetime
of shared sports. So feel free to cheer for your child and his or her team.
Cheer for the other team too. It never hurts to offer congratulations to any
player for a job well done. Wear "Soccer Mom" tee shirts and bring pom
poms to the game. Practice with your
child in the backyard. Put soccer balls on her birthday cake. Your child's coach
will teach your child/athlete
about the sport, but only you can be their role model for life.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with over twenty-five years
of experience as a marriage & family
therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com, for more of her
practical self-help advice. Sign up for her
free ezine for the latest self-help information and special discounts on
wellness products at
http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
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